The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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