Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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