He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
