had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
