Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
