I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
