We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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