I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
