A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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