I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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