I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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