Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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