sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
