You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize