The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
