I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
