You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
