So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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