If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
