We're facebook friends in real life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
