Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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