You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
