I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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