totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
