4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
