I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
