smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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