Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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