god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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