I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
