Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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