Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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