I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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