There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
