So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
