I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
