If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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