Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
