A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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