The maid of honor just puked.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
