Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
