We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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