Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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