eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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