wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize