Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
