I hate all girls vehemently.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
