He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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