Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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