3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
