I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
