you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
