Where are you?
In a non slutty way
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
